On okcupid and matching

I've been on and off okcupid for a couple of years now, creating a new profile when I get tired of the last one and deleting it after I get what I came for. I've had more successes than failures, and I like to think I'm pretty good at filtering out the fail and going for the win. After spending so much time here, I can't imagine going to a dating site that doesn't ask specific questions about the partner you're looking for or the values they hold. A fair number of people on here have made remarks about how little stock they put in to the numbers, and I think that's ill-advised: the match percents are what you make them, by answering questions carefully and selectively.

So it puzzled me the other day to see a 94% match rating when I stumbled over the profile of a guy I know from real life and dislike immensely. How can this be, matching algorithm? I've trust you so unequivocally! How, oh how could you be so wrong? I scanned through our "two of you" tab looking for clues and feeling kind of sick to my stomach. He had answered "yes" to the question asking if there could ever be a situation where a person would be obligated to have sex with them. QUE?! Obviously not someone I want in my life. (Or even on the planet, really.) (See "For The Record" at the bottom if you're curious about the guy.)

What I realized was this: While I am so careful to answer my questions truthfully, and to cherry-pick (for the most part) the ones relevant to my current cause, the purpose of this existing profile is to invite new ladyfriends in to my life. I want companions; women to join me in badass bitchery with my other badass bitches. Hence, all the questions I have answered for my "Ideal Match" have been question seeking the ideal friend who is

~Confident & self-assured

~Independently minded in romance (a priority for the het girls)

~Pro choice, and definitely childfree

~At least a little intelligent and or witty

I'm not looking for a weepy wallflower of a ladyfriend who feels incomplete without a man in life and dreams of her white wedding, house in the suburbs, thousand children, etc. I like women who are self-assured and confident; independently minded and thoughtful, who are uninterested (at least for the time being) in children and long-term partnership regardless of sexual preference, and instead get excited about exploring, adventuring, and living life to the fullest. The women who embody those traits don't come across as arrogant blow-hards; they come across as admirable, complete individuals who are relaxed about the future and what life has to offer!

Being a relaxed, complete, self-assured individual is definitely an admirable goal for anyone of either sex. But it seems like the guys who answer questions the way I wish more women would are just arrogant jackasses. If you're an awesome woman: rock that. If you're an awesome guy, you've got humility. (The awesome ones know this!)

If you're a het-girl, "romantically independent" indicates being relaxed about finding a good partner. It indicates having standards and not making too many exceptions. Romantically independent if you're a guy seems to indicate being emotionally aloof or perfectionistic, making complaints about the tiniest physical imperfection and demanding to be number one in any relationship. For the straight girls in my life, I want woman friends who say they can't play second fiddle to some other pursuit, but I'm less patient with guys who want to be in the spotlight constantly. Het-girls take it for granted that men will have other hobbies, so saying "No, I would not be ok with playing second fiddle to your computer game habit," is fair. Men regularly do not take it for granted that a woman will have pursuits past finding a husband, so saying "I refuse to play second fiddle to you having a life outside of me," is unacceptable.

Being pro-choice is important, and being thoughtful about abortion is something I value in people who are close to me. But the reality I notice is that guys who are cavalier about abortion are not making a choice that is going to physically affect his body at all. Of course my guy friends are pro-choice; being anti-choice is a dealbreaker. But really, I'd like to see more guys demonstrate some real concern for this topic and not just choose "yes," and "yes," and "definitely," as if this is something he can take for granted. The fact is the the decision is fundamentally that of the one bearing the physical, physiological, emotional and spiritual burden of whatever may come, and your two cents are only two cents.

In terms of intelligence, I respect women who wants to hang out with intelligent people. This is perfectly acceptable. I don't appreciate subjecting myself to the conversation of people who can't form a coherent thought either. But it seems like when straight guys make intelligence a big concern, they just turn in to elitist snobs, using more multi-syllabic words than are necessary for an online dating profile. Why not just use friendly words that might actually help someone's panties loosen up. Sheesh.

I'm not saying all my guy friends are self-flagellating dudes who cry in corners and never get laid, but they are NOTHING like this asshole. My guy friends are (generally) wildly intelligent people who aren't snobbish about it. They're respectful, helpful, compassionate, caring people who don't let it get to their heads that they are all of these things. Many of them are happily partnered. The single ones are predominantly open to the idea of meeting someone nice, but are unconcerned with randomly getting laid just for the tale to tell, or the imaginary prowess that comes with having two dozen one night stands in a month.

FOR THE RECORD:

~The highest match I've seen on this site is a male friend of mine. He's got the arrogant sticker, but it's because he's a saint in a lot of other ways.

~I never dated, had sex with, or ever would do either of those things with the despicable 94% match I'm discussing here. We were platonic friends who tolerated each other's "quirks" several years ago, and I've since cut him off; I'm not interested in knowing people like that.

~My best het-ladyfriends who are still on this site range from seventy-something to ninety one percent with me, and it's primarily because the questions THEY answered were seeking a male match, and men often respond differently in okcupid's hypothetical scenarios than I do. Thank god.

My idea for a potentially profitable dating site alternative: okcupid platonic! For making friends after college. What do you think??